From Paris

Leonor’s room was pitch black
Not an inch in front of me
Could I realistically see
And when she blew out the candle
I tried, I really squinted in attempt

She held me, like she’d never hold me again
Her head resting into my head
Her left leg over my waist
My hands also embracing her
Pulling her in as not to let go
At least three moments, I remember,
She spoke to me in French
Her voice, so round
The words I could not repeat to clarify, maybe an ‘au’ and ‘bo’
These sounds were soft, embracing
My own translation, simply to adjust my body position, a nudge – encouragement.
‘whatever you need dear, darling, Leonor
And with each move of mine, she then held me once again, closer
In the morning, as her parents called to ensure she was awake (7am, daily),
her arms were still around me –
Under my neck and above my hip, meeting together around my chest
As I hear over the speaker ‘au trois’
I roll around to see her smile.
Her left hand returns to my side,
And her head falls back to the pillow.

For breakfast, we ate a seeded rye bread
With cherry preserves from her grandparents orchard
Accompanied with a full french press –
She tells me to let her know when to stop pouring – the volume of the cup I thought as reasonable
Then hers, halfway filled she dilutes with tap water

Afterwards she prepares for her day ahead –
at an office in the 15th before 9am
Her roommate talks to me as I do their dishes
Leonor and I catch the same train from her house
And as my stop comes forward, she grabs my hand
Her eyes looking into mine, a warm smile and sparkle
She’s wearing a black dad hat with text that reads
‘leaseplan’. ‘Nothing lasts forever’ I interpret to myself.

A reminder.

nomad szn

Gm Dear,

These last few months of my summer have been great. I mean, really full of surprises, unexpected moments, mainly time with others, and a few days with myself. I initially started thinking about these words sitting on Margit Island, looking over Pest. I’m publishing these words from home.

This girl Zsofia asked me a question like ‘do you agree or disagree that there are no coincidences?’ – I disagree, I think there’s a lot of mundane, a lot of story telling, and that only in hindsight we can filter the inputs to create these narratives. Forward looking, maybe there’s experience to then grow. Most mundane is noise that we may assign some value later.

Tl;dr, here’s some thoughts and takeaways in my present moment – split into chapters as I will.

NYC – Really, be intentional with how I utilize my time.
I was invited by Adri to stay for as long as I wanted, and I was so excited at first. That declined, like I knew I’d suffer long term in the situation if extrapolated long term. In part from being under stimulated mentally, feeling like their care taker, and even the pace of life. Their life structure works for them, just not for myself – that’s okay. While my initial plan was to hang with them for the month, I pivoted quickly to hanging out with my larger network of friends here; Gio and Zach most days actually. I fucking love those fools – I assign a high value to moments with them, my cup is never filled. Watching playoff basketball, seeing bands from my childhood, their favorite meals, relating – all while cycling the greatest rides of my life. Tl;dr Don’t overextend myself. My time is a gift and I have no real obligations – pivoting is a feature I worked for, not a failure. Lean into trusting my intuition – it’s gotten me this far, and that’s farther than I ever imagined. Situationships also aren’t really for me.

Philly – Check in on my pals within the larger circle.
My highlight here was seeing how my boi Alex has evolved over the years. Today the mfer lives with his partner, has two cute pets, and is a better cook than anyone I know. When I showed up, he was just starting a new job. Throughout the week I’d say he was genuinely the most positive person I’d ever met. When we first met, we were at SXSW smoking weed in a parking lot outside a venue for an event called Meatspin. These days we rode bicycles, visited his favorite dives, and talked about how to utilize GPT4o. Time with Alex was inspiring; I felt like it was a never ending heart to heart. It gives me excitement forward looking, with my less active friendships that’ll be revisited throughout life.

Budapest – What’s valuable is relative.
It’s an interpretation, sometimes extending societal wide. Mfers here bicycle slower than I’ve ever seen – not even the delivery riders rushing to anywhere. Jaywalking is rare – I think I inspired most of it when walking around as I was still channeling nyc energy. My highlight was when Tay came through for a few of these days – roaming an unknown city and interpreting it together. It was common for me to hear multiple languages, Hungarian, English, French, German – in that order of frequency from my personal sample tbh. Most individuals appear to speak two or more languages. There’s no obesity problem visible, nor when eating out did I ever get a stomach ache (I ate out every meal, v unheard of back home). Tipping wasn’t a thing besides at tourist traps. Being direct isn’t even considered rude – it’s rather efficient. For me, the average mfer here appears smarter and more intentional when weighted against americas top cities.

Romania – I’m grateful for my own optionality.
My boi Ahmed picked me up while driving across Europe and back to his home in Bucarest. I became passenger #4 on what turned into a 15 hour ride. His future wife in the front seat, while in the back with myself, a cam girl with face tats named Melissa. Over the week I was told stories about corruption in the country and communism. They noted salaries are low, most jobs available for their peers paying < 1000 euros a month including Doctors. Homes here are between 200-800 euros. The countries main export in their eyes? Cam girls. A stat that sticks out, ~ 15% of all card transactions relate to gambling establishments. I get it, trying to make my yearly on this 5 leg parlay or stay broke for another pay cycle.

Ngl, talking with Melissa I briefly considered renting longer term a spot on the Black Sea. My quick draft pros/cons list essentially said ‘it’s about 20% of what America goes for, long term you could marry a Romanian cam girl for dual citizenship, yolo.’ Ahmed upon hearing the slightest bit of this unhinged list reasoned with me, something like ‘Don’t trust these mfers. you have everything to lose, she’d have everything to gain.’ Thank Allah for friends tbh.

Romania overall is a beautiful country, really green, a lot of hills, farm lands – an idealism of the American West imo. Departing the country, I boarded a train back to Budapest. Rolling up to the train car I see kids without shirts on, smoking cigarettes out of the boarding door. ‘Different than the Amtrak’ I think to myself.

Tl;dr, I feel that I am winding down the end of a rest period.
I’m ready to continue growing vertically for another season. Sharing openly with others has only been a +EV move; I want to keep doing this. Pals really make life worth living. Satisfaction derived can be irrelevant from any specific inputs. Overall I give myself permission to sit on my hands before moving – my only obligation is to myself. There’s plenty of time on my clock and I can be in no rush.

Love always,
Dumb

uwu

What’s the point of recording?

A future data point
+
I think that invites optimization.

Mindlessness? No,
Mindfulness
Purposeful
And wen communicating?
Getting to the point.

I fucking love hanging out with my pals +
I love seeing the pursuit of an art.
The passion displayed wen owning a moment.

Life is just so long, on average,
I think its a lot opportunities,
To have fun + play smart,
To be present.

You Wake Up At The Rate You Wake Up

This past month I was blessed with the opportunity to live rent free in NYC. My own 1 bedroom in Brooklyn, obligated simply to care for 2 of my best friend’s sweet cat Birdy. This was the longest consecutive amount of time I’ve spent in the city I fantasized about all my life.

Queue Times Square Anthem

My wants going in were relatively vague – low expectations, high serenity I tell myself.
1) bread and cheese.
2) hot yoga &
3) dancing

The first goal was in the bag no doubt – walk any direction and I’ll reach this endpoint within 5 minutes. There was one spot called Vinnie’s – I knew it from past trips to NYC. At one point in my stay, I was there for a consecutive 5 days in a row. My favorite spot turned out to be Fini’s, about 7 blocks away from Vinnies. This praise comes by way of a white slice served with a side of lemon – acid to bring clarity to the rich fat.

My second goal was by way of a recommendation – Yo-BK – a wonderful studio with an unlimited pass and 2 locations. I set my schedule to mimic a personal yoga retreat; meaning in between these sessions I’d stroll between bagel shop, pizza shop, coffee shop, and parks. You’d find me reading books I picked from my friends shelf like Crying In H Mart. I learned that my sweat after a class smells like a pickle brine – different than any run or cycling sweat I’ve experience. I also built a better understanding of what I’m intending to stretch throughout that 26-2 yoga flow. Shoutout to all the teachers that use their time there – godsends of positivity.

My third goal was last minute in nature. My pal reached out just the week prior to check in on me; I haven’t talked with him much since college (years). He happened to live in NYC at this moment and was eager to share personally his top spots. He bought us tickets and brought me dancing at a space called Basement. Two stages with sound systems that pulsed through my body; therapeutic in feeling. A bathroom without stall doors. Smoke dense enough I considered it a dungeon. At one point in the night, he passed along a mantra from Ram Dass – You Wake Up At The Rate You Wake Up. I walked back to my place of rest as the sun was rising.

And yet my largest highlights were none of which I actually penned to paper. Rather these came from being open, available to the moment, a total surprise. A full send of confidence in intuition, honest communication, and whim.

A Craigslist find resulted in a fixed-gear bicycle, delivered to me within an afternoon, accompanied by the owners advice, “Stop signs mean yield, while stop lights are stop signs.” This new mode of transportation transformed my NYC experience, allowing me to navigate above ground, savoring the nuances of streets, neighborhoods, and the language of car horns. Cycling landed me into a plethora of presence-necessary stimulus—the temperature of air on my skin, vibrant lights of vehicles, intersections, bodegas I longed to explore, and the occasional revving of moped engines in the bicycle lane.

In total I put 241 miles in between Coney Island, Ardsley, and Wayne – eagerly skidding to stop, weaving around traffic, and even making connections with other cyclists. When the latter invited me to tag along on their own rides, my heart warmed. I absolutely love seeing others lead in an area with more experience; they bring their own style of risk management – likely better developed habits. There is no reason for me to follow their route than any other, simply it is a course I got to play – a love for sport.

TL;DR this month has felt nonchalant, restorative, silly, and a throwback to high school. To ride through this area was a bucket list item, one I didn’t even have on my radar to realize so soon. I’ve left the city completely infatuated with new thought processes. Attached below are some of my favorite image files secured during my time there.

As I close this thought, I’m here sitting back in my studio. It’s 6am and I’m about to brew coffee. Good Morning.

Cathartic

At 17, I had no vision for my future – I remember leaving my hometown – and on my last week, outside my favorite coffee shop, there I burned a tin full of all the letters from my first relationship. My friends were there with me. We smoked Parliament’s. I drank a flavored Italian soda. At that time, this felt symbolic for ‘moving forward no matter what.’

Today, I don’t keep a tin full of letters, nor a device full of texts (they auto purge), but rather I have memories from twenty five hundred days fading in my head. I spent these last months reliving, processing, and journaling about the years between St Louis and now; how I remember them in the present.

As a way to close this season, here’s a few selects.

Road Dawg

This past week I’ve been on tour. The activity itself is beautiful – a road trip with friends (everyone in the van), a sense of purpose every day (the show), and adding a few new and old friends each day (locals, often sharing with you what they love about their city at that time).

I experience every moment of my friends life for the length of our time together – the moments we open our eyes, when we take off our shoes before bed, sharing meals, inside jokes that span days, and problem solving everything from itinerary to van troubles. Over days on the road, rhythm as a team grows. There’s someone that’s great at loading the gear into the van, others are better at driving, and still some are simply built for drinking beers in the back seat and procuring places to stay. There’ll be a time when a pal needs help procuring a cup of coffee. They definitely need help loading the bass cabs up a flight of stairs. Sometimes they simply need a breather. All of this I think can be similar to a point to point marathon, in that it is necessary to find a comfortable pace you can maintain AND we may as well finish once we’ve started. With attention to the duration as an input, I believe the activity helps to develop patience, and maybe even empathy. The best tours are those where those involved embody agile values. For me, tour is better than any work trip, any resort, any extended-airbnb nomad trip; honestly any vacation I’ve taken.

Inside these creaking van doors, barreling down the highway, I’m with a chosen family; we’ve all radically welcomed these experiences into our life and with each other. I love the time I get to spend with these fools. I hope to continue this.

Rewind The Video

This quarter I reached a new checkpoint in life. I’m delighted for my future self, but my present self doesn’t feel like I hoped – I’m the only one home to celebrate. When I set this checkpoint, I kept my key result vague. This OKR had room for multiple narratives. While in this situation it was only a disservice to my own life; in business I suspect vague key results are methodical.  

Falling back a decade ~ I recall sitting in a college class focused on making a viable business from within the Photography industry. The final project for this class was to build a 5 year plan for this career path. Its purpose, at least that I took away, was to really think forward – committing these ideas to paper (or a google doc). To define the steps needed to reach the desired outcome. Later in tech learning about OKR’s and Jira Epics – these I consider near-synonyms.

I love these types of plans today; the plans that really can take me into a new meta. With these plans, I find myself also noting specific timeframes. By x I should complete y – and so forth. 

Life is gamified for me in this way – a shot clock. I don’t make time for videogames because what I consider main quests haven’t slowed down. One of these years I plan to beat the N64 Zelda’s – just not in 2023. Each time I make these plans, I’ve gotten a bit better at predicting what I can accomplish. I’ve been out of school less than a decade and I’ve lived at least 15 years of plans. The quarterly plans – what I think I can complete in 3 months – these I tend to overestimate how much I can do. This is sometimes froth, but sometimes it’s just miscalculation – it’s often an additional week or two. If I continue to be interested; I roll this activity into the next quarter. The alternative is tossing this froth over to a side quest – sitting along with those Zelda titles. 

At the beginning of May, I finished one of these longer 5 year epics. It just doesn’t feel like I thought it would; I was hoping it would be better than great. I’d say it’s certainly ~ around ~ great, yet definitely not better. I’ve felt just as great from riding my bike or talking with friends. Though, I think I narrowed why this feels different. In my _every day_, I’ve lost my best friends. They were in my life when I set these goals. They were in my life for most of the plan – so much so that I just took it for granted they may not be waiting at the checkpoint. Today, all I have is photos from past moments where I felt they were proud of me. I wish there was a video of these times – to replay – a camera on me as well.

As I write this it’s Memorial Day weekend. To share another look back, this weekend in 2021 I was on a backpacking trip. I remember not having a campground reservation; rather driving down a Forest Road until we reached snow so high the hatchback couldn’t pass. In the morning, we hiked on foot to the trailhead – this took nearly all day. We didn’t get far up the trail as it was still snowy, yet soft enough to break with each step. We saw 2 other hikers near the end of the day. They said about 10 minutes back, they saw a bear. We ate boxed Mac and Cheese and played the card game War until dark. In the morning we walked back to the hatchback. I tried to be into the moment, but I just thought about my shoulders, then my feet. 

In my own life, backpacking is not appealing. I live on acreage. I hear birds when I go outside. I could go on a long bike ride with no weight on my back, take a shower, cook a meal with my preferred tools, enjoy the benefits of refrigeration at any time, and still sleep under the stars in a tent. I also don’t have to drive to the mountains. That’s a con rather than a pro from my current position. For some, particularly folks who always hear traffic outside, I’m sure it’s great.

And now that I’m reflecting, I think I’ve made out better than had I included more details in my narrative when the checkpoint was set. Today I’m 95% sure I don’t like backpacking, albeit I expect I’d try it again in the distant future just to be sure.