I believe this cat contributed to a larger structure of my routine happiness; a stability which ultimately enabled me to thrive here today. Below are my takeaways from the experience –
dairy is a reason to be alive
if I don’t think I’ll enjoy something, communicate that early
you don’t have to participate just bc everyone else is
for pleasure, defining time limits is usually unnecessary
passions are what your known for by others
opinions are what others may love you for
my body will fluctuate over the years
i’m going to have different seasons
odds of a scenario happening once increase with each iteration of the game
take some risk if it’ll fulfill yr life
just bc I’m shit at something today doesn’t mean I can’t improve
tunnel visioning may be both a strength and lead to your fall
Ethel these last months caught so many creatures, birds included. She would trot them inside so proudly. At 15, she played in her final hunt. It’s reasonable that in life I will have my own pain, such as when a loved one experiences suffering. At an end date, I choose to believe the suffering for them ends. While living, I may as well attempt to fulfill my suggestively attainable dreams. I set those targets after all.
I do think she would agree that her life was satisfactory. I do think she felt the love I had for her.
There’s a memory I have of my Grandpa at work. He asked me to take a drill out to his work truck, it had just been used to unclog a drain. While walking it out, the snake attached spun and splattered drain debris over his clients bedroom. In that moment, I realized that wasn’t the expectation, and that I would be letting others down (my grandpa, his client who’d have lil debris spots across their home). It might be the first moment I felt of shame.
Nowadays I do things within a company, and we laid a lot of folks off in February. A lot of individuals, who, I’d say have become my closest friends – on my wall I have more photos of my time with them than I do with blood family – our GM’s exchanged while still in bed spanning multiple years. Anyway, in that post-layoff all hands meeting, the top dog director called me out by name, while his #2 also dm’d me. Their comment simply: I was smiling too much.
Shortly after, the company cancelled the teams retreat. To transition this series of announcements – review season now commenced. My coworkers remaining shared their results across the relevant group chat(s). Commonly shared, albeit I will specifically quote my fav from my boi Mike who simply reported: ‘above expectations, 0% raise, jfc.’
Look, I didn’t seek a degree for this career, nor did I expect to fill my time with any company so long. On my part, being here today is both my developmental mistake and a blessing.
To clarify, I was given 1) a large bonus, 2) a 10% raise, and 3) a promotion.
An anomaly – these mfers said ‘he’s good, let’s rly keep him.’
Talking with my boi Riley, I put forward an ask for what they would do if work stressed them out. They said ‘buddy – make a plan and get out.’ And as I started this plan, I felt first reasonable to identify this stress. Really, I’m just doing something new. I’m being asked to perform in a new way, and that’s a growth opportunity.
With my available information, extrapolating multiple months – I think it’s reasonable there’s failures. At this speed, it could be a slow a train wreck, and maybe even I can decide to hop off at any point. Truly in any area of my life, I think it’s reasonable to both double down and/or embrace a change of pace. Wherever I’m throwing resources – I desire to feel wanted and I don’t want to let you down.
What is it that I have to learn before passing this level? To pull a quote from my girl Bonnie: ‘at some point you learn to love yourself.’ In that moment I didn’t ask her for elaboration, nor for her guide. I do think I’m on this path, albeit send me recs if you got ’em. Big desire for confirmation.
On the ferry ride – that is when I feel alone; a peak off yonder
— When you asked to see photos of my days in ___ I said ‘sure, u can, they’ll all include my ex’ then we both agreed you wouldn’t want to see that
Here I was sitting across from you, Scrolling to find anything without her I wish you had said yes, for, she is v cool And in those photos, I thought of her perhaps just as I think of you now – My favorite energy thus far
Today I can say a handful of my habits – My mannerisms, and my interests were developed during this era with her
Like becoming an adventurous eater – I think that compounded with a desire to grow Within a new city, My first weekend, a farmers mkt with friends, Before eoy, our date nights years l888, organic
And I wish I asked If you would envision a time When most nights we’d share a bed; Are you happy? What else do you see?
When you said you didn’t wish to bike To ____ coffee, or to ____, Because there was hills
Reflecting, now I think, Would I never climb another hill all that I live? That feels so silly
Why do I enjoy climbing? Because, that’s how I got here to your cool hot fun girl energy. Tell me, Please, A more satisfactory way of living?
Looking through the photos now, I smile for opportunities; the journey.
There’s no more dog shit in the yard The grass is long, wet, fluffy, about an inch of give dependent on the variety It’s a younger sensation, a grounding exercise bare, enjoyable even in slides Geese bark, an airplane taking off, somewhere down below – cars The deer appear more openly each day now, today one with antlers and a partner, the fog behind.
The last four, I was around a dog named Zeke. We shared property, my yard was his yard first; My home, his day office. First he ran, briefly jogged, ultimately walked.
Cesar left yesterday. One of my oldest friends, Coming to see me now (my home!!). The time between where I was then vs where I am now, Would I have guessed? We ate fish, drove around, played the hits, His doctor suggested asthma, he didn’t want to treat it Yesterday He jogged up the trail at the end, The steepest, long hill of the hike Past me, as I took a photo, and this mfer kept pushing fwd, To the v top. C’s been an inspiration + encouraged me for years.
Some of the last four years, Zeke and I were the only two home. Dude chilled hard, good naps, good wanders, Always vibing, loved to eat, an open door, + sassy wen u were being a shit.
I do think a lot about the amt of days On average I have left And what I want that time to look like ?? Unnecessary devotion.
Leonor’s room was pitch black Not an inch in front of me Could I realistically see And when she blew out the candle I tried, I really squinted in attempt
She held me, like she’d never hold me again Her head resting into my head Her left leg over my waist My hands also embracing her Pulling her in as not to let go At least three moments, I remember, She spoke to me in French Her voice, so round The words I could not repeat to clarify, maybe an ‘au’ and ‘bo’ These sounds were soft, embracing My own translation, simply to adjust my body position, a nudge – encouragement. ‘whatever you need dear, darling, Leonor‘ And with each move of mine, she then held me once again, closer In the morning, as her parents called to ensure she was awake (7am, daily), her arms were still around me – Under my neck and above my hip, meeting together around my chest As I hear over the speaker ‘au trois’ I roll around to see her smile. Her left hand returns to my side, And her head falls back to the pillow.
For breakfast, we ate a seeded rye bread With cherry preserves from her grandparents orchard Accompanied with a full french press – She tells me to let her know when to stop pouring – the volume of the cup I thought as reasonable Then hers, halfway filled she dilutes with tap water
Afterwards she prepares for her day ahead – at an office in the 15th before 9am Her roommate talks to me as I do their dishes Leonor and I catch the same train from her house And as my stop comes forward, she grabs my hand Her eyes looking into mine, a warm smile and sparkle She’s wearing a black dad hat with text that reads ‘leaseplan’. ‘Nothing lasts forever’ I interpret to myself.
These last few months of my summer have been great. I mean, really full of surprises, unexpected moments, mainly time with others, and a few days with myself. I initially started thinking about these words sitting on Margit Island, looking over Pest. I’m publishing these words from home.
This girl Zsofia asked me a question like ‘do you agree or disagree that there are no coincidences?’ – I disagree, I think there’s a lot of mundane, a lot of story telling, and that only in hindsight we can filter the inputs to create these narratives. Forward looking, maybe there’s experience to then grow. Most mundane is noise that we may assign some value later.
Tl;dr, here’s some thoughts and takeaways in my present moment – split into chapters as I will.
NYC – Really, be intentional with how I utilize my time. I was invited by Adri to stay for as long as I wanted, and I was so excited at first. That declined, like I knew I’d suffer long term in the situation if extrapolated long term. In part from being under stimulated mentally, feeling like their care taker, and even the pace of life. Their life structure works for them, just not for myself – that’s okay. While my initial plan was to hang with them for the month, I pivoted quickly to hanging out with my larger network of friends here; Gio and Zach most days actually. I fucking love those fools – I assign a high value to moments with them, my cup is never filled. Watching playoff basketball, seeing bands from my childhood, their favorite meals, relating – all while cycling the greatest rides of my life. Tl;dr Don’t overextend myself. My time is a gift and I have no real obligations – pivoting is a feature I worked for, not a failure. Lean into trusting my intuition – it’s gotten me this far, and that’s farther than I ever imagined. Situationships also aren’t really for me.
Philly – Check in on my pals within the larger circle. My highlight here was seeing how my boi Alex has evolved over the years. Today the mfer lives with his partner, has two cute pets, and is a better cook than anyone I know. When I showed up, he was just starting a new job. Throughout the week I’d say he was genuinely the most positive person I’d ever met. When we first met, we were at SXSW smoking weed in a parking lot outside a venue for an event called Meatspin. These days we rode bicycles, visited his favorite dives, and talked about how to utilize GPT4o. Time with Alex was inspiring; I felt like it was a never ending heart to heart. It gives me excitement forward looking, with my less active friendships that’ll be revisited throughout life.
Budapest – What’s valuable is relative. It’s an interpretation, sometimes extending societal wide. Mfers here bicycle slower than I’ve ever seen – not even the delivery riders rushing to anywhere. Jaywalking is rare – I think I inspired most of it when walking around as I was still channeling nyc energy. My highlight was when Tay came through for a few of these days – roaming an unknown city and interpreting it together. It was common for me to hear multiple languages, Hungarian, English, French, German – in that order of frequency from my personal sample tbh. Most individuals appear to speak two or more languages. There’s no obesity problem visible, nor when eating out did I ever get a stomach ache (I ate out every meal, v unheard of back home). Tipping wasn’t a thing besides at tourist traps. Being direct isn’t even considered rude – it’s rather efficient. For me, the average mfer here appears smarter and more intentional when weighted against americas top cities.
Romania – I’m grateful for my own optionality. My boi Ahmed picked me up while driving across Europe and back to his home in Bucarest. I became passenger #4 on what turned into a 15 hour ride. His future wife in the front seat, while in the back with myself, a cam girl with face tats named Melissa. Over the week I was told stories about corruption in the country and communism. They noted salaries are low, most jobs available for their peers paying < 1000 euros a month including Doctors. Homes here are between 200-800 euros. The countries main export in their eyes? Cam girls. A stat that sticks out, ~ 15% of all card transactions relate to gambling establishments. I get it, trying to make my yearly on this 5 leg parlay or stay broke for another pay cycle.
Ngl, talking with Melissa I briefly considered renting longer term a spot on the Black Sea. My quick draft pros/cons list essentially said ‘it’s about 20% of what America goes for, long term you could marry a Romanian cam girl for dual citizenship, yolo.’ Ahmed upon hearing the slightest bit of this unhinged list reasoned with me, something like ‘Don’t trust these mfers. you have everything to lose, she’d have everything to gain.’ Thank Allah for friends tbh.
Romania overall is a beautiful country, really green, a lot of hills, farm lands – an idealism of the American West imo. Departing the country, I boarded a train back to Budapest. Rolling up to the train car I see kids without shirts on, smoking cigarettes out of the boarding door. ‘Different than the Amtrak’ I think to myself.
Tl;dr, I feel that I am winding down the end of a rest period. I’m ready to continue growing vertically for another season. Sharing openly with others has only been a +EV move; I want to keep doing this. Pals really make life worth living. Satisfaction derived can be irrelevant from any specific inputs. Overall I give myself permission to sit on my hands before moving – my only obligation is to myself. There’s plenty of time on my clock and I can be in no rush.
This past month I was blessed with the opportunity to live rent free in NYC. My own 1 bedroom in Brooklyn, obligated simply to care for 2 of my best friend’s sweet cat Birdy. This was the longest consecutive amount of time I’ve spent in the city I fantasized about all my life.
Queue Times Square Anthem
My wants going in were relatively vague – low expectations, high serenity I tell myself. 1) bread and cheese. 2) hot yoga & 3) dancing
The first goal was in the bag no doubt – walk any direction and I’ll reach this endpoint within 5 minutes. There was one spot called Vinnie’s – I knew it from past trips to NYC. At one point in my stay, I was there for a consecutive 5 days in a row. My favorite spot turned out to be Fini’s, about 7 blocks away from Vinnies. This praise comes by way of a white slice served with a side of lemon – acid to bring clarity to the rich fat.
My second goal was by way of a recommendation – Yo-BK – a wonderful studio with an unlimited pass and 2 locations. I set my schedule to mimic a personal yoga retreat; meaning in between these sessions I’d stroll between bagel shop, pizza shop, coffee shop, and parks. You’d find me reading books I picked from my friends shelf like Crying In H Mart. I learned that my sweat after a class smells like a pickle brine – different than any run or cycling sweat I’ve experience. I also built a better understanding of what I’m intending to stretch throughout that 26-2 yoga flow. Shoutout to all the teachers that use their time there – godsends of positivity.
My third goal was last minute in nature. My pal reached out just the week prior to check in on me; I haven’t talked with him much since college (years). He happened to live in NYC at this moment and was eager to share personally his top spots. He bought us tickets and brought me dancing at a space called Basement. Two stages with sound systems that pulsed through my body; therapeutic in feeling. A bathroom without stall doors. Smoke dense enough I considered it a dungeon. At one point in the night, he passed along a mantra from Ram Dass – You Wake Up At The Rate You Wake Up. I walked back to my place of rest as the sun was rising.
And yet my largest highlights were none of which I actually penned to paper. Rather these came from being open, available to the moment, a total surprise. A full send of confidence in intuition, honest communication, and whim.
A Craigslist find resulted in a fixed-gear bicycle, delivered to me within an afternoon, accompanied by the owners advice, “Stop signs mean yield, while stop lights are stop signs.” This new mode of transportation transformed my NYC experience, allowing me to navigate above ground, savoring the nuances of streets, neighborhoods, and the language of car horns. Cycling landed me into a plethora of presence-necessary stimulus—the temperature of air on my skin, vibrant lights of vehicles, intersections, bodegas I longed to explore, and the occasional revving of moped engines in the bicycle lane.
In total I put 241 miles in between Coney Island, Ardsley, and Wayne – eagerly skidding to stop, weaving around traffic, and even making connections with other cyclists. When the latter invited me to tag along on their own rides, my heart warmed. I absolutely love seeing others lead in an area with more experience; they bring their own style of risk management – likely better developed habits. There is no reason for me to follow their route than any other, simply it is a course I got to play – a love for sport.
TL;DR this month has felt nonchalant, restorative, silly, and a throwback to high school. To ride through this area was a bucket list item, one I didn’t even have on my radar to realize so soon. I’ve left the city completely infatuated with new thought processes. Attached below are some of my favorite image files secured during my time there.
As I close this thought, I’m here sitting back in my studio. It’s 6am and I’m about to brew coffee. Good Morning.
At 17, I had no vision for my future – I remember leaving my hometown – and on my last week, outside my favorite coffee shop, there I burned a tin full of all the letters from my first relationship. My friends were there with me. We smoked Parliament’s. I drank a flavored Italian soda. At that time, this felt symbolic for ‘moving forward no matter what.’
Today, I don’t keep a tin full of letters, nor a device full of texts (they auto purge), but rather I have memories from twenty five hundred days fading in my head. I spent these last months reliving, processing, and journaling about the years between St Louis and now; how I remember them in the present.
As a way to close this season, here’s a few selects.
This past week I’ve been on tour. The activity itself is beautiful – a road trip with friends (everyone in the van), a sense of purpose every day (the show), and adding a few new and old friends each day (locals, often sharing with you what they love about their city at that time).
I experience every moment of my friends life for the length of our time together – the moments we open our eyes, when we take off our shoes before bed, sharing meals, inside jokes that span days, and problem solving everything from itinerary to van troubles. Over days on the road, rhythm as a team grows. There’s someone that’s great at loading the gear into the van, others are better at driving, and still some are simply built for drinking beers in the back seat and procuring places to stay. There’ll be a time when a pal needs help procuring a cup of coffee. They definitely need help loading the bass cabs up a flight of stairs. Sometimes they simply need a breather. All of this I think can be similar to a point to point marathon, in that it is necessary to find a comfortable pace you can maintain AND we may as well finish once we’ve started. With attention to the duration as an input, I believe the activity helps to develop patience, and maybe even empathy. The best tours are those where those involved embody agile values. For me, tour is better than any work trip, any resort, any extended-airbnb nomad trip; honestly any vacation I’ve taken.
Inside these creaking van doors, barreling down the highway, I’m with a chosen family; we’ve all radically welcomed these experiences into our life and with each other. I love the time I get to spend with these fools. I hope to continue this.
